not quite there, yet

the summer before my freshman year, i went to an informational event at SCU. i remember talking to this senior who had just gotten back from her trip abroad. she participated in the most expensive and extravagant program - semester at sea. students live on a cruise ship and take classes, but when they dock they visit and explore over a dozen different countries. after hearing her gush about all of the different places she'd been and people she met, i decided i wanted to study abroad.

at the time, i had received an entrepreneurial scholarship from the McKelvey Foundation worth $10,000 a year for four years. so, although my parents couldn't afford to send me abroad (they couldn't afford the school either), i figured i'd be able to make it work with the McKelvey scholarship and the other scholarships/aid I'd received.

unfortunately, the founder of the McKelvey Foundation, Andy McKelvey, died in november 2008. by july 2009, the foundation's operations were suspended due to some probate issues. this meant that i had to acquire $10,000 by the end of august to pay for my sophomore year. i did, somehow. but the possibility of studying abroad was looking grim.

nonetheless, i decided that i wanted to study abroad. i went through the application process and hoped that i'd be accepted to one of my top 3 choices - all of which were somewhere in spain. i chose spain mainly because i knew i wanted to go to europe, but i also knew i didn't want to go to england or france or any other country that speaks primarily english. language is a huge aspect of any culture, so i thought that staying in a country that spoke another language would an easy way to gain some insight on a foreign culture. however, i didn't want to be completely unable to communicate with locals. since i understand a little spanish, i felt spain was a perfect fit.

i was accepted to my first choice, the SCU barcelona program. could i afford it? nope. but i continued to go through the motions and be prepared anyways in case i could go. i renewed my passport, got my visa, worked a summer job, and cut down on my expenses (drastically). a miracle happened and the McKelvey Foundation got some money. not $10,000, but it helped. unfortunately, i still couldn't afford to buy a ticket. long, agonizing story short, i pulled some strings and finally got the money to buy a ticket.

yay! i'm going!!! right?! i told friends and actually allowed myself to believe i was going. until then i wasn't excited because i didn't think i would actually get there. i didn't read any of the informational packets. i didn't even get genuinely happy when i saw i'd be rooming with my friend, sandy (sorry, girl). sure there were times when talking to people that i'd allow myself to get excited and look up local attractions on the internet, but i never once forgot that my going to barcelona wasn't final. at least not until i bought the ticket. and even after i did, it wasn't until two days later that i actually got excited enough to really believe it. i couldn't sleep; i read all the packets and looked up free barcelona-themed apps on my phone. and when i did sleep, i dreamed about barcelona.

of course just when things get peachy, you bite into a pit. i was "randomly" picked for a financial aid verification request and the results came in, today. i won't be receiving as much financial aid as i thought. so, now, instead of looking forward to a refund at the end of the quarter, i owe money... hundreds... that i can't afford since i spent all of my money on a damn ticket to barcelona!

i don't know what i'm going to do or how i'll afford anything (it's mainly books that i'm worried about). most people (myself included) would say i shouldn't have pushed so hard for barcelona. why is it so important to go there? especially when you won't even be able to afford to do any other traveling? can't you just go next year? or some other time when you're more financially stable? why put such a huge burden on yourself and your family?

i don't know the answers to those questions. all i can say is that i'm stubborn and selfish. and that i really hope this trip will be worth all the trouble. it has to be.